(This really happened to me)
Of matchmakers, I’ve had my share.
They point out guys without a care.
And when they start, I haven’t a prayer!
They list his traits: ah, such flair!
And always they will just insist
That he would surely top my list.
And when I holler, “Please do desist!”
They turn on me and shake a fist,
Then want me now to date their brother,
Or friend or cousin or some other
Who just happens to know my mother.
I cry again, “No, not another!”
One really, truly dear, dear friend
Plied me with guys without an end.
She hoped my broken heart would mend
Because of one that she did send.
The last one tried was one strange mister,<
I laughed so hard I got a blister
For the ending here is quite a twister:
He once was married to my sister!
The Lord gave to me a heart
That truly loves to sing
But for some strange reason,
Known only to him,
The voice he put in this body;
Does not match the quality
Of my joy in singing.
I love to sing and do it often
But have never met
Another human being
Who enjoyed my singing
As much as I do.
I sing unto the Lord;
And praise him as it says in Psalms–
His only requirement
Is that we make a joyful noise,
For when I let loose in song
It is truly a joyful noise unto the Lord!
Something I know that makes me mean
Is folks who use a dumb machine
Attaching it to their telephone
And thereby stating they are not home,
Then want my name and furthermore. . .
I’ve had enough! This now means war!
I’ll find a way to beat them all
When friendly folks I have to call.
I ask you now to join with me,
Please listen to my humble plea.
Let’s join together in this fight
Rememb’ring what is only right:
There is no need to lose to fear
When vict’ry is so very near.
Let’s win this war in a bang up way.
So, please before you hang up say,
Something, anything will do
Even if it’s just, “Guess who?”
Murphy is the name
(Or if it isn’t,
It should be)
For that’s the law
That rules my life.
Any thing that can go wrong
At the wrong time!
And Kathi’s addendum:
All at once,
In a geometric progression!
I fix one problem
And have two more arise,
In fixing those
I’m swamped by four.
A never ending increase
Of things that need attention,
An ever mending process
Of troubles that need correction.
So move over Murphy,
Phillips’ Law has come to town:
Anything that can go wrong
I’ll totally ignore:
It ain’t important anyway!
(This poem comes from the book of Science Fiction poems that I wrote entitled “Helpful (?) Henry”. These poems are Henry’s side of a conversation concerning his vain attempts to help a friend in perceived need. Henry thinks his friend needs various things to survive but in reality his friend wants to see science fiction become science fact.)
I’m leaving today.
What’s that you say?
You think that I’ve misunderstood?
That really my drive will do no good?
How can that be for my drive is done
And soon I’ll leave behind our sun<
As I travel a length so far<
That the light from our own star
Will be much less than a tiny speck.
I hear you, stop breathing down my neck!
Okay, I’ll listen, so tell–
Just what is wrong with my FTL?
What do you mean, faster than light?
Oh, nuts! I heard you wrong that night!
Please forgive me, since you were right,
My drive will take us further than light!
(This poem is dedicated to all those “purist” bakers out there who do things from scratch including grating carrots for cakes!)
How many carrots does it take
To make just one carrot cake?
Enough to fill a tiny lake!
And tell me please, how much time
Does it take to grate them fine?
Enough for each of us to dine!
Grate and grate, my arm is sore.
Measuring, I still need more!
How many grated? Just one score!
Tell me please, is that enough?
Can I add this grated fluff
To all that other mixed-up stuff?